POSITIVE PARENTING

A few weeks back, a couple visited me with their 6 year old child. They handed me a psychoeducation assessment that said the child had an IQ of 82 and was learning disabled. My screening revealed to me a bright child with good communication and observation skills. No assessment had been documented to assess his learning disabilities. On my further exploration, I realised to my dismay that the parents were completely on opposite zones with regard to the child and his challenges. While the mother strongly felt that the child had some difficulty , the father strongly felt he was simply playful. It was further revealed that the child had been subjected to the assessments by the mother in order to prove her point to the father and not to identify the child’s difficulty. Documenting a case history seemed impossible. The session revealed complete disharmony between the parents. It was heart breaking to observe how , the two individuals in their strong desire to “ win” were in reality shattering the present and the future of a bright child.

Irrespective of the innate potentials of a child, the love he or she experiences in the environment speaks volumes of his overall development and achievement in the years to come. I still recall , a student of middle school who approached me , when I was a school counsellor. She was a topper but isolated by her classmates. She sounded very sad and pessimistic about everything in life, in spite of being the favourite of many teachers. Meeting her parents , opened a pandora box! They lived separately; the mother was in another relationship in spite of still being married to the child’s father; she very openly discussed her boy friend in the presence of the child, thus confusing the child about relationships and family dynamics; both parents weren’t heading towards legal separation, in spite of leading separate lives; they both admitted to intense verbal fights whenever they met. As a school counsellor, with limited options for parent counselling , I was shocked at the height of irresponsible behaviour of both the adults thus leading to heavy damage to the girl.

Parenting is a serious responsibility but I would rather perceive the role of parents as a spiritual journey. The role commences the day the two individuals decide to start a family. While today’s parents are extremely mindful to the various materialistic and physical needs, they mostly ignore the emotional and spiritual needs of the little one.

A research published in 2005,in a Neuroendocrinology Journal by German scientists speaks about scientific evidence that love promotes health. This is very true and probably the only mantra that parents need to adopt. Love promotes health –health and well being. Love does not mean indulgence. Love does not mean pampering . Love does not mean a child controlled parenting. Love means unconditional acceptance of the child, irrespective of his / her special needs ; unconditional acceptance of the child irrespective of his / her deviant behaviour/ actions that may have resulted due to limited beliefs or faulty learning. Love also means being receptive to feedback from the environment about the child . Love also means being receptive and open to the varied experiences that is essential for the child to learn and grow in a healthy manner in this environment.

In a nutshell , unconditional love of a parent always :

·Nurtures the child and encourages him to feel secure in his / or her environment.

·Provides the child with sufficient space to learn through experiencing failures .

·Infuses self confidence in the child.

·Enables the child to experience love in self and others in the environment.

·Guides the child towards positive concepts, positive experiences , positive perceptions, irrespective of the situations.

·Fosters positive emotions for self and others .

·Provide sample opportunities to be aware of his/ her strengths as well as weaknesses and still accept self .

·Provides an environment to which he / she can return, in spite of committing mistakes and rectify them under parental guidance.

Simple guidelines for parents to be able to practice unconditional love on a daily basis.

A whole family is surely the best environment for a child to grow up in – Parents may invest time and effort to sort out differences between and live in harmony as this is the best gift any parent can afford for his/ her child. Living in harmony means the couple experience and share unconditional love and respect for one another and perceive their family of themselves and the children as one unit. A family where one parent dominates the other ; belittles the other ; cheats the other , yet live as “ family” are doing more harm to the child by living together . They are not only teaching the child unhealthy family dynamics, but also fostering various insecurities in the child, besides gender inequality and a host of other faulty learnings.

Differentiate between indulgence and providing, as early as possible – with the fast rate of progress in socio economic status, parents often mistake indulgence to expression of love. This results in children growing up with unrealistic demands, turning out to be self centred and selfish. Parents need to be aware to fulfil all the needs and be selective in fulfilling the wants. Parents also require to have a self check with regard to their own false perceptions regarding status symbols and status projection through materialistic things.

Love the Child and Hate the Behaviour- Parents often confuse and wrap the child along with his/ her behaviour and treat them as one unit . This results in them condemning the child along with the behaviour. This should be completely stopped and they should learn to love the child in spite of the behaviour.

Understand and Implement Punishments – Punishments should always be specific actions that aim at removing some reinforcement from the environment and never demeaning the child. The punishments should always focus on bring about a change in the child’s behaviour and never a finger pointed at the child himself/ herself.

Practice what you expect to develop in your child – Children are continuously learning , consciously and subconsciously. They easily learn what they see rather than what they hear. So, if parents wish their child to practice punctuality, they should be practicing it in their daily life. If they wish their child to develop integrity, they should be a role model for integrity.

Be realistic – Parents need to understand their child wholly, and be realistic with regard to what the child can achieve and cannot ; what the child wishes to follow; what he desires; his/ her dreams. Parents need to accept that it is very common for children to deviate/ to falter but that does not mean he/ she deserves to be labelled or condemned. He needs a loving embrace and a loving guidance towards the positive path.

Spend time to understand your child – Parents need to invest time and energy to understand their child- his/ her development ; his/ her changing perceptions; his / her attitudes in order to be help the child in areas he/ she requires help. Understanding and accepting are completely two different stands. Understanding the child helps parents to differentiate between the child’s acceptable and unacceptable actions and this differentiation helps the parents to guide the child towards the appropriate path.

Patience – Every parent needs to inculcate patience. You never are aware of the nightmares that you may have caused for your parents. So remember, may be your parenting is not really as challenging as your parents! Change of behaviour; change of perceptions is a journey by itself and every individual’s pace in this journey is different. Hence , patience is the key!

Self Development – Last but not the least, every parent has to work on his/ her aggressive tendencies; anxieties; insecurities; emotional instabilities; rigidities and unrealistic perceptions in order to be able to practice positive parenting.

SINGLE PARENTING/ CO PARENTING

I have come across many parents who cannot see eye to eye, yet strongly believe divorce/ separation is harmful for the child. This is a very common limiting belief in our society. While, the best environment for the growth of a happy child is surely a family with both parents, many fail to understand that a child can be nurtured into a happy adolescent/ adult only if both parents are in harmony. If that is not possible, then it is important for the parents to part ways and ensure a happy, peaceful safe home for the children . The best gift, parents in disharmony, can give their child is a safe and peaceful home even if it is only with a single parent. Parents going in for divorce need to mature and accept coparenting in spite of their individual differences , in order to provide an emotionally comfortable life for their children. Depriving children . access to either parent can never be the healthy way to settle personal scores with ex spouse. Divorced parents need to be mindful of what they feed their children with, with regard to opinions/ attitudes towards the other parent. This goes a long way in not only the relationship dynamics between the child and the parent, but it also contributes majorly in developing the child’s perceptions and beliefs towards marriage/ family / love.

PROFESSIONAL INTERVENTION FOR POSITIVE PARENTING

Many of the guidance provided in this article may seem like a herculean task to many parents, especially first time parents and to parents of adolescents. Professional intervention in the form of counselling / coaching is gaining relevance in today’s society. Seeking professional help to enable yourselves to be better parents doesn’t indicate your limitations or your inabilities as a parent. In fact, it clearly indicates your belief in the need to do better as a parent. It indicates your receptivity to change your beliefs and perceptions for the welfare of your child/ children.

How does a professional intervention help? A professional objectively perceives your parenting style and the behaviour of your child and suggests appropriate changes in your parenting strategy. In case he/ she recognises some limiting beliefs as blocks to positive parenting, he/ she facilitates your journey in letting go of the limiting beliefs and adopting enriching beliefs. It is also important for parents to understand that a professional help doesn’t necessary come in handy, only when there is a “problem”. Professional intervention can also help parents rectify some strategies, shape up others ; it can also strengthen some of the parents perceptions and beliefs. To sum up, professional intervention is a boon for today’s parents.

Parenting is a beautiful spiritual journey if one is able to perceive it so. Through the years, this divine role transforms you in to a better human being and that in itself is spiritual progress.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent. So just be a real one. -Sue Atkins